If you have been scrolling on TikTok for as long as I have been, you’re probably familiar with the term de-centering men.

I will not call this a trend, even though it is a hot topic online these days, because the conversation of de-centering men has been around throughout the many waves of feminism, it’s only that with social media, particularly TikTok, it has taken on a different name which might make it seem like a new thing.

You might have also noticed that more women than men are talking about de-centering men in favour of self-preservation among other things, and in this video, I will unpack what this is and what it means.

For those of you who may not be in the know– de-centering men is not about hating, discriminating against or excluding men, it is simply about women centering ourselves- what we like over the needs of men. It is not about refusing to date men either, but rather, it is about having and building a life of your own as a woman even when you’re in a romantic heterosexual relationship.

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It is about cultivating hobbies and other interests outside of your relationship and talking about that with your friends, and not always about the guy in your life.

This made me think a lot about the conversations I have with my girlfriends when we meet up for lunch and how many of them have a lot to do with men and the relationships we have or want to have with them.

With this said, I think the conversation to de-center men is one that is beautiful and reinforces the concept of self-love and not abandonment.

I have been thinking a lot about the reasons behind women de-decentering men because I am curious about the stories behind this. Is this because of disappointment in previous relationships? Rejection? A history of losing oneself in relationships or are these women who have never cared to be with men in the first place.

Upon digging further in the TikTok and internet rabbit hole, I came across many stories of women who decided to center themselves and I learned that there’s no single woman in this movement, if I could call it that– it is all women, with all kinds of stories.

Some women were previously married and had kids, some were married and child-free, others were in long-term relationships, others were disappointed by the men they liked and others, well, they simply never cared to be in relationships with men.

As women, we are conditioned to put everyone else first, often, at the expense of ourselves. Many of us are socialised to want to pursue heterosexual relationships with men and for many women, this becomes the ultimate measure of our worth.

You meet a man, get married, take his surname, have his babies and join his family– often leaving behind everything and everyone you’ve ever known your whole life and suddenly your existence becomes about your new found identity and you lose yourself in the process.

Or, as a single woman in a romantic relationship with a man, your life suddenly revolves around them–what they do or don’t do, how they make you feel, what you need from them, what you’re getting or not getting from them.

And, like the many women who have shared their stories on TikTok, you wake up one day and realise that you haven’t been acquainted with yourself for years because for the longest time, your life has centered around the man in your life. I cannot think of a more depressing realisation.

Or, as a single woman whose life is a constant pursuit of a relationship so much so that it is all you talk about or are asked about. It consumes all aspects of your life.

My takeaway from this conversation is that women are realising that we have agency, we’re whole human beings who are worth knowing and pursuing, that we’re worth the energy and work we often put into knowing the men in our lives.

No matter how you look at this, de-centering men is all about us women coming back to ourselves instead of pouring from empty cups.